December 16, 2008: Courage, Fear
I have been credited with a courageous personality, but I'm not sure I deserve the compliment. Though I have indeed displayed bravery, I never jumped at the chance to do so, and I've been scared at the time.
On two occasions, when we lived out in the country, I killed rattlesnakes. I chopped the head off the first one (54" long) with a spade. I shot the second (42" long) with a .22 rifle and was pictured on the front page of the Des Moines Register with my gun. A lot of people around here remember that.
At age 39, I decided to leave my first marriage, knowing there would be no financial support for me and my three daughters. I made a living as a free lance writer and quilting teacher, providing gym shoes, prom dresses, and tuition for the University of Iowa with my ever-increasing earnings.
I have wondered occasionally if I could have, in the mid-19th century, climbed on a Conestoga wagon to travel west with my family, braving Indian raids, starvation, and the elements, in hopes of owning a farm on the prairie. I've wondered if I would have, in the late 1800s, had the guts to board an ocean vessel and cross the Atlantic to the New World to start a new life. I guess I would have done these things, just as I sailed away from my first marriage, if circumstances showed the only path to a thriving life was to go.
My knees were actually knocking against each other when I beheaded the rattlesnake. I was terrified the entire time I was edging my father's Volkswagon van to the side of the highway when a car careened toward us in the rain, only grazing us because I kept my cool. My stomach was in knots for months, and I lost twenty pounds, once I served the marriage dissolution papers. Currently, every night when I flush my convalescing daughter Mary's post-surgery abdominal drains, I'm afraid.
Bravery is not something a person can plan on, in my opinion. One simply tries lead a responsible life. Quite possibly, I will one day be paralyzed by my fears. So far, I have been a girl of action.
Today's Fortune Cookie Fortune:
You will be amazed by your fortitude.
Marianne Fons
2 Comments
Reader Comments (2)
It takes a lot of fortitude to be a mom. Best wishes to all of you during this holiday season.
The times in my life when I felt best about myself are those where circumstances forced me to choose between cowering and confronting and I chose confronting. Not confronting another person, necessarily, but confronting the situation, not backing away from the challenge, but stepping out in front of the fear.
Good self esteem does not come from hearing how wonderful one is, but from accepting a challenge and meeting it.